My completely level headed response to a bad breakup was deciding on a whim to do an 8 hour round trip to get a puppy on Christmas Eve. I spent most of the next six months crying as he (the dog, not the ex) tried his best to destroy everything I own. I took him to the vets every other week, as I was convinced he was going to die, and once rang my brother crying, asking him to come over so I could have a guilt free shower. So yeah, this tracks as entirely rational breakup behaviour….
It's difficult. I've not had cats in years. There's nothing I've loved more in my life than the cats I've had, and in addition to being great fun they've provided a lot of solace and comfort in difficult times, but they are a responsibility! I could never put them in catteries so I just never went on holiday!! And i never went out with colleagues for a few beers after work because i had to make sure they got their dinner! t's also unbearable when they pass away. You can always get cats again in the future!
If you Google the ‘puppy blues’ (and equally applies to kittens) you’ll find it is surprisingly common for people to have a mini breakdown when they get a pet. I nearly gave my rescue dog back after four days because I couldn’t stop crying and thought I’d made a terrible mistake. I find it hilarious now but it was so insanely stressful at the time. My boyfriend thought I had gone mad. I’ve had my dog one year today and would do anything for him. No suggestion that your decision to hand them back was the wrong one and I’m sure they’re living their best lives, but helps people to know that a normal feeling and it’s likely to pass. (That’s without getting into the stress my cat caused me in her first year where she seemed determined to piss all over our bed every time she was slightly stressed, which is not what you want to be dealing with while one of your parents is dying. Luckily she only does it like twice a year now but geez. Pets are a commitment and a test of patience!)
Oh Alice, I really feel for you. I also have THOUGHTS about this... the main one being that I have two dogs, who I love more than anything, but who I ask my mum to babysit overnight at LEAST once a week and often for several nights in a row if I have a bunch of hard-deadline work to do. And every single time this happens I think... if I didn't live five minutes down the road from my mum, who is both willing and able to do this for me, I actually don't know how I would cope as the caretaker of these two extremely loveable and beloved cavaliers.
When I got my first puppy two and a half years ago, despite desperately wanting a dog of my own for many years prior, and having just moved into my own apartment in a perfect neighbourhood for dogs to live in, I also spent the first week crying. Like sobbing on the floor, convinced I had made the worst decision of my entire life and utterly stitched myself up. At one point I casually hinted to my mum that maybe she wanted another pet, and maybe SHE would be the better parent to my adorable and exhausting new puppy... she didn't take me up on that sly offer (thank goodness), but omg I genuinely felt the deepest regret I had ever felt in my life. And this ISN'T my way of saying "Oh, you should have held in there, everyone feels that way in the beginning and you move past it..." because ACTUALLY... I think it would have been harder with cats. Dogs are more transportable and therefore easier to a) integrate into your life and b) fob off onto a friend or family member if you need a break for the night. Being the sole caretaker to two tiny creatures in your home 24/7 is HARD, and it was actually very smart and good of you to recognise that now isn't the right time. Maybe later will be the right time. Maybe not two at once. Maybe a dog you can take to the pub with you. Maybe none of those things, but whatever -- the point is, good on you for knowing yourself and also sorry about the break-up. (Yes, it was probably the break-up.)
First of all, as the writer of a substack fully dedicated to Cats, please know I JUMPED at the opportunity to read a post all about, yes, cats.
Second, even though I have THREE cats (and consider myself the mum of my partners cat too, OBVIOUSLY), and I could not imagine life without them - boy, is it waaaaaaay too much a lot of the time. There is no such thing as an "easy" cat in the sense that they just lie there, sleeping, needing some food every now and then and thats it. They all have their own particular set of needs and wants and deserve love, care, and attention. I always feel bad when I leave them alone and when I am in a rush and can't play with them even though they are bringing me my fav toy and looking at me with those big, soulful eyes.
When I picked up my cats from the airport (they came from Spain- its such a long story) and brought them home, I figured I'd be excitedly playing and cuddling with them all day. Instead I locked myself in my bedroom and took a three hour nap. The feeling of "oh my god, I am responsible for these little babies now, if something happens to them thats ON ME" made me instantly need to c r a s h. And I'd had cats all my life!
I think about this quote that I see on Insta all the time - to your pet, you are their whole world. And that is SUCH a huge responsibility! So for you to recognise this wasn't working in your particular situation- hats off. I am sure everyone is much happier in this current setup and it took guts for you to make this decision. Maybe one day, the cat (or whatever other pet) distribution system will be in your favour at the exact right time.
Thanks so much for sharing this story about such a vulnerable time in your life - and in such a funny way, too ❤️
Alice, I had to comment - I too have been a member of the ‘two kittens upending and sending me into a spiral’ club. I think it is so much more common than people realise! Reading this post felt like someone was actually in my brain. I got my two when I had recently moved into my flat, wasn’t settled enough, and had just had to give up a rather er, traumatised cat I’d adopted from overseas on a total whim. I experienced extreme regret, anxiety, fear, and non-stop crying with the first (who I gave back after seven days, too), totally in over my head and not in the right frame of mind. All of it felt wrong somehow. I got the kittens three months later and went through a less extreme version of the same anxiety- the only difference being that, in the end, I kept them, and almost three years on they are now my actual furry best mates. All this to say: if you worry like I did that your whole’s life’s identity being tied to being a ‘cat loving, one with nature, pet person’ is forever ruined … I promise it’s not. There will be a kitty out there for you and your home, if you want it. So much of it is about headspace and circumstance. Love you for posting this - and sorry it was so hard at the time x
I just loved reading through this and that was weird for me since I am quite convinced that I have ADHD. I'm also at work and have a deadline so this was a rather enjoyable distraction. It has made me reflect on the concept that my partner wants to buy a super expensive property (we live in Sydney) and I'm not so attached to the idea of a giant mortgage, or living in Sydney, or her. So in my head I decided to justify if I went through with it that I would get another cat. The thought process being that when I would get home to the financial albatross around my neck then at least the cat would be happy to see me. But thanks, now I need to re-examine my whole decision tree...
I feel that John would’ve taken the girls and everyone would’ve been happy, well maybe not you but there may have even been a slight discount on the bullnose (yes I shamelessly wanted to say it too)
Responsibility weighs heavy on the soul and isn’t for everyone 🤷♂️
I recently spent thirty quid on an 'enrichment toy' for my cats because my wife was concerned one of them was depressed. The cats have given zero fucks about what is essentially a piece of cardboard folded into a concertina and said cat still seems to be struck with the morbs. You have chosen the cheapest and sanest path.
Oh, no! I thought this was a story about how you were initially overwhelmed but then grew to love them and now can’t imagine your life without them…not the day they went back to the tall quiet man! 🥺
My completely level headed response to a bad breakup was deciding on a whim to do an 8 hour round trip to get a puppy on Christmas Eve. I spent most of the next six months crying as he (the dog, not the ex) tried his best to destroy everything I own. I took him to the vets every other week, as I was convinced he was going to die, and once rang my brother crying, asking him to come over so I could have a guilt free shower. So yeah, this tracks as entirely rational breakup behaviour….
It's difficult. I've not had cats in years. There's nothing I've loved more in my life than the cats I've had, and in addition to being great fun they've provided a lot of solace and comfort in difficult times, but they are a responsibility! I could never put them in catteries so I just never went on holiday!! And i never went out with colleagues for a few beers after work because i had to make sure they got their dinner! t's also unbearable when they pass away. You can always get cats again in the future!
Ps. You always seem like a good egg so feel no guilt or embarrassment ☺️
If you Google the ‘puppy blues’ (and equally applies to kittens) you’ll find it is surprisingly common for people to have a mini breakdown when they get a pet. I nearly gave my rescue dog back after four days because I couldn’t stop crying and thought I’d made a terrible mistake. I find it hilarious now but it was so insanely stressful at the time. My boyfriend thought I had gone mad. I’ve had my dog one year today and would do anything for him. No suggestion that your decision to hand them back was the wrong one and I’m sure they’re living their best lives, but helps people to know that a normal feeling and it’s likely to pass. (That’s without getting into the stress my cat caused me in her first year where she seemed determined to piss all over our bed every time she was slightly stressed, which is not what you want to be dealing with while one of your parents is dying. Luckily she only does it like twice a year now but geez. Pets are a commitment and a test of patience!)
Jill and Anne? Discuss
Oh Alice, I really feel for you. I also have THOUGHTS about this... the main one being that I have two dogs, who I love more than anything, but who I ask my mum to babysit overnight at LEAST once a week and often for several nights in a row if I have a bunch of hard-deadline work to do. And every single time this happens I think... if I didn't live five minutes down the road from my mum, who is both willing and able to do this for me, I actually don't know how I would cope as the caretaker of these two extremely loveable and beloved cavaliers.
When I got my first puppy two and a half years ago, despite desperately wanting a dog of my own for many years prior, and having just moved into my own apartment in a perfect neighbourhood for dogs to live in, I also spent the first week crying. Like sobbing on the floor, convinced I had made the worst decision of my entire life and utterly stitched myself up. At one point I casually hinted to my mum that maybe she wanted another pet, and maybe SHE would be the better parent to my adorable and exhausting new puppy... she didn't take me up on that sly offer (thank goodness), but omg I genuinely felt the deepest regret I had ever felt in my life. And this ISN'T my way of saying "Oh, you should have held in there, everyone feels that way in the beginning and you move past it..." because ACTUALLY... I think it would have been harder with cats. Dogs are more transportable and therefore easier to a) integrate into your life and b) fob off onto a friend or family member if you need a break for the night. Being the sole caretaker to two tiny creatures in your home 24/7 is HARD, and it was actually very smart and good of you to recognise that now isn't the right time. Maybe later will be the right time. Maybe not two at once. Maybe a dog you can take to the pub with you. Maybe none of those things, but whatever -- the point is, good on you for knowing yourself and also sorry about the break-up. (Yes, it was probably the break-up.)
Great read...
If you ever want a session to go deeper!
https://quantumqigong.co.uk/one-to-one/
You brought up so many things, and have realised and worked through them! It's an amazing start.
I think this is why "Cat cafes" are springing up. They are really healing animals. (See "The Egyptians")
My friend's father HATED their cat. The two were never to be seen in the same room - ever!
Then he broke his arm. The Cat slept on his cast for six weeks, every night!
The day the cast came off, they never "spoke" again...
Weird behaviour right!?
I hope you enjoy my longer thoughts on the other cat on my substack, safarp.
You are a wise and funny woman - loved the tail of two kitties (so, so sorry)…
Omg. They ARE/were cute. BTW you do podcasts ? Canadian rewashing Taskmaster wants to know.
"This was much more draining and important" is a quote to live by
First of all, as the writer of a substack fully dedicated to Cats, please know I JUMPED at the opportunity to read a post all about, yes, cats.
Second, even though I have THREE cats (and consider myself the mum of my partners cat too, OBVIOUSLY), and I could not imagine life without them - boy, is it waaaaaaay too much a lot of the time. There is no such thing as an "easy" cat in the sense that they just lie there, sleeping, needing some food every now and then and thats it. They all have their own particular set of needs and wants and deserve love, care, and attention. I always feel bad when I leave them alone and when I am in a rush and can't play with them even though they are bringing me my fav toy and looking at me with those big, soulful eyes.
When I picked up my cats from the airport (they came from Spain- its such a long story) and brought them home, I figured I'd be excitedly playing and cuddling with them all day. Instead I locked myself in my bedroom and took a three hour nap. The feeling of "oh my god, I am responsible for these little babies now, if something happens to them thats ON ME" made me instantly need to c r a s h. And I'd had cats all my life!
I think about this quote that I see on Insta all the time - to your pet, you are their whole world. And that is SUCH a huge responsibility! So for you to recognise this wasn't working in your particular situation- hats off. I am sure everyone is much happier in this current setup and it took guts for you to make this decision. Maybe one day, the cat (or whatever other pet) distribution system will be in your favour at the exact right time.
Thanks so much for sharing this story about such a vulnerable time in your life - and in such a funny way, too ❤️
Alice, I had to comment - I too have been a member of the ‘two kittens upending and sending me into a spiral’ club. I think it is so much more common than people realise! Reading this post felt like someone was actually in my brain. I got my two when I had recently moved into my flat, wasn’t settled enough, and had just had to give up a rather er, traumatised cat I’d adopted from overseas on a total whim. I experienced extreme regret, anxiety, fear, and non-stop crying with the first (who I gave back after seven days, too), totally in over my head and not in the right frame of mind. All of it felt wrong somehow. I got the kittens three months later and went through a less extreme version of the same anxiety- the only difference being that, in the end, I kept them, and almost three years on they are now my actual furry best mates. All this to say: if you worry like I did that your whole’s life’s identity being tied to being a ‘cat loving, one with nature, pet person’ is forever ruined … I promise it’s not. There will be a kitty out there for you and your home, if you want it. So much of it is about headspace and circumstance. Love you for posting this - and sorry it was so hard at the time x
I just loved reading through this and that was weird for me since I am quite convinced that I have ADHD. I'm also at work and have a deadline so this was a rather enjoyable distraction. It has made me reflect on the concept that my partner wants to buy a super expensive property (we live in Sydney) and I'm not so attached to the idea of a giant mortgage, or living in Sydney, or her. So in my head I decided to justify if I went through with it that I would get another cat. The thought process being that when I would get home to the financial albatross around my neck then at least the cat would be happy to see me. But thanks, now I need to re-examine my whole decision tree...
I feel that John would’ve taken the girls and everyone would’ve been happy, well maybe not you but there may have even been a slight discount on the bullnose (yes I shamelessly wanted to say it too)
Responsibility weighs heavy on the soul and isn’t for everyone 🤷♂️
Did the grade A paving last the course ?
I recently spent thirty quid on an 'enrichment toy' for my cats because my wife was concerned one of them was depressed. The cats have given zero fucks about what is essentially a piece of cardboard folded into a concertina and said cat still seems to be struck with the morbs. You have chosen the cheapest and sanest path.
Oh, no! I thought this was a story about how you were initially overwhelmed but then grew to love them and now can’t imagine your life without them…not the day they went back to the tall quiet man! 🥺